How many of you ever hear “I don’t know how you do it?” or “I just have one kid and I’m losing my mind!”
Me? Probably three times a day, at least. More if I take them anywhere with me all at once. Newer moms seem amazed that I’m able to make it through the day without throwing myself out a window. They ask for advice, they ask for reassurance, or they simply write themselves off as less strong, less capable, less of a mother than I am because they’re so overwhelmed with their smaller brood.
It always makes me a bit uncomfortable, because I am no saint. I truly believe that parenting has gotten easier with each child we’ve added to the family since #3 and I hate for other moms to beat themselves up because they’re having a hard time. But I’ve had difficulty really pinpointing why it’s gotten so much easier. Sure, I’ve learned to tune out background noise to some extent; I’ve learned to prioritize, I’ve learned that not every single decision is life-or-death. But it’s all that and more, too.
Last week I read a very moving, encouraging and ultimately so true essay that really summed it up for me. In the essay, writer Simcha Fisher, a mother of nine, reassures moms of “only one” that it’s not wussy or wimpy to feel overwhelmed even in the presence of mothers of many. As Fisher points out, having one child IS hard:
When I had only one child, I truly suffered during those long, long, long days in our little apartment, no one but the two of us, baby and me, dealing with each other all day long. I invented errands and dawdled and took the long way home, but still had hours and hours to fill before I would hear my husband’s key in the door.
And now that she’s a mom of nine children? Fisher points out that she’s gotten better at the practical stuff, yes – “I’m a virtuoso,” she says.
I’m broken in. There’s no collision of worlds. We’re so darn busy that it’s a sheer delight to take some time to wash some small child’s small limbs in a quiet bath, or to read The Story of Ferdinand one more time. Taking care of them is easy. It’s tiring, it’s frustrating, but when I stop and take a breath, I see that it’s almost like a charade of work. All these things, the dishes, the diapers, the spills—they must be taken care of, but they don’t matter. They aren’t who I am.
But there’s more to it than that. A deeper reason why the days feel shorter, the minutes pass quicker, parenting many children, Fisher says:
When I had only one child, she was so heavy. Now I can see that children are as light as air. They float past you, nudging against you like balloons as they ascend.
Of course I still have bad days, and frustrating moments, and long long weeks that never seem to end. But Fisher’s essay really spoke to me, and kind of broke my mother-heart a bit. Her words are so poignantly true. Read the whole essay for yourself.
And then come back and tell us: do you think your experience parenting 4 kids or more is easier than it was when you had fewer children?
I wrote a related post on learning to appreciate motherhood and how quickly the time passes over at my main blog. I have a feeling moms of many will understand where I’m coming from!
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I think we are also much more relaxed about parenting. We’ve had time to realize what is important and worth fighting for and what we can let go. I tell people that the adjustment to having one child was physical, mental, and emotional. Adding to our family feels like it has been more logistical than anything. Not to say we haven’t had challenges and times of feeling like we are losing our emotional/mental well-being. You just gain perspective with experience, whether it is one child or ten.
Parenting 3 is easier than 1 because:
-They don’t need me all day. They have each other.
-We have grown. They have learned to be more self-sufficient. I have learned to let them.
-Spilled milk now officially qualifies as small stuff. So does 2 gallons of red Crystal Light on gray carpet.
-Reality sets in. Your kids are who they will be, not just who you will make them. Sit back and enjoy the journey.
-When you’re busy driving three here, there and everywhere, you don’t have time to be anal retentive about little things like whose socks don’t match or whose hair hasn’t been brushed in three days.
-I’ve learned to get over it. They’ve learned to shake their head and walk away when mom starts acting nuts.
Best comment ever! I love the part about how you realize they are going to be the people they are going to be. It’s like having several children takes the pressure off, because they can all have different qualities you admire, instead of trying to get all of those things out of one child.
I could not agree more. My 2nd came fairly soon after my first, but still those early years with two were much harder than it is now with four (mine are 7, 5, 3, and 20mo).
I agree with what everyone else has already said. There are more helpers. I think people with one imagine four of their one; but the reality is, when they are spaced apart it’s compeltely different. My older ones are so helpful around the house and with entertaining the little ones.
I’ve also relaxed A LOT. I no longer stress about all of the little things. Seeing my older kids, I know how quickly the early years go by and so I’m enjoying them so much more. The newborn months with my 4th were amazing. You know that those early weeks do come to an end so you are better at focusing on the positives than the negatives. With the first, you never know for sure what’s coming next and when they will grow past certain stages. That uncertainty and inexperience can be crippling.
I also joke it’s the stockholm syndrome. I’m so used to being with little kids that it’s become my norm and I like it so much more than I used to. My life pre kids seems so far away now that I don’t even remember what there is to miss about it.
I honestly don’t really remember what it was like to have just 1 child. She was born at the end of June 2000, 3 weeks later we moved to another state so I was busy. In August my mom died and that consumed my life. By January 2001 I was pregnant with our 2nd. He was born shortly after the oldest turned 15 months. Then 13 months later our 3rd child was born.
Those were hard times with 3 kids under 3 years old but not as hard as everyone seemed to think it was. Yes, there were 3 in diapers (until the oldest was a couple months past 3) but I just changed them all at once and it wasn’t that hard. The older two mostly played with each other so I could take care of the baby.
But after that…things did get easier. Adding #4 when they were 5, 4 and 3 wasn’t that hard at all. The older kids wanted to help, the 5 & 4 year olds were quite independent and could get their own food and drinks and help their little sister.
Adding #5 was a snap. I had 4 very eager and willing helpers. They were 10, 8, 7 and 4 when he was born. The older 3 are experts at changing diapers, learned to make bottles, give him baths, watch him in the mornings so I can sleep in, take him for walks and just play with him. When they went back to school in the fall I was kind of lost suddenly having just the baby at home. It’s my first experience with just one 1yo in the house, lol. But even he’s pretty independent and will play by himself in his room or lying on the living room floor with his cars while I work on the computer.
Like now…my 9yo is cooking dinner (sort of, I was doing it but she asked to watch the cooking of it), my 10yo chopped the veggies up then went outside to play. The 11yo and 5yo are watching TV and occupying the baby. Everything is getting done and I’m on here, lol. I remember trying to cook with 3 toddlers and that was insane. We ate a lot of processed food back then.
I often wonder what I DID do back when I only had one, but I know I *felt* just as busy back then as I do know, with four kids. I still get overwhelmed when I throw my sister’s three kids into the mix, since they fit right into the gaps left by my kids’ ages. I might not be sane if I had one kid every year, but apparently some moms handle that fine! I think for most moms, though, by the time you pass three kids, your older kids are to a point where your presence isn’t required for every outfit change and cup of milk. My eight year old daughter, drama queen that she is, truly is a help most of the time.
I often feel overwhelmed. The chaos. The noise. The mess.
But I see some friends with singletons, even with two kids, and I feel grateful that my kids play so well together. I know I get more alone time than I probably should because they do play together.
I have 3 daughters and on most days I’m overwhelmed and stressed. Well, I also homeschool so that adds to my ‘chaos’ but I guess in a way having more than 1 IS easier. My eldest, now 8, is helping me a lot more. My 6 yo is the queen of ‘organizing’ anything. My 3 yo follows what the two older sisters do. They’re all pretty independent. I’m still considering adding a 4th to the mix. I guess my fear of all the work is what has me on the fence. Plus, I don’t like mini vans, LOL!
I hear the question/statement so many times “I don’t know HOW you do it?” a week, that it was actually the motivation behind me starting my blog a little over a year ago (that and the fact that my youngest started attending full-day preschool last Sept!).
And yes, while I do agree that it gets easier to have more than just one or two….. I also think that it has everything to do with how old the kids are too. My 6 are spaced just 5 years apart (ages 6-11 now)… and I would say that only in the last few months have I started to feel as if things were easier. Having a house full of pre school and elementary school ages kids- can be challenging.
But I can’t imagine my life any other way!
So glad to have found you guys this week! I’ll be hanging out here often!
Warmly,
Sharon (Momof6)
i barely remember only having 1 baby. my kids are all very close in age – my oldest just turned 5 and i’m expecting number 5 in AUG/SEP. (so i’ll have 5 under 6!)
i do remember feeling totally overwhelmed with only 1, though. i actually remember a serious feeling of accomplishment when i took my son to target all by myself (without my husband!) for the first time. now, i don’t even think twice about loading all the kids up in the van and going to costco to grocery shop.
there is a ton of noise, toys, and chaos in the house with 4 kids & 3 dogs, but the boys are getting old enough to ‘want’ to help me do things like swiffer the floor, let the dogs out, set the table, stir ingredients, and even wash dishes. i’ve learned to be more patient and not let things bother me as much – inevitably they are not the best ‘helpers’ and typically create more of a mess, but they need to learn somehow!
I can remember when my oldest, now almost 12, was about one I told my husband we really needed another one because I would emotionally smother her if I couldn’t spread it out a little. I used to hear going from 1-2 was hardest, but I have always thought the transition to having the first one was hardest. Interestingly, I thought going from 3-4 would be difficult, but it wasn’t and I could then see how people continued having more. The older ones become more independent and helpful.
I have to admit that the early years are kind of a blur. My kids are 10, 8, 5, & 3. There was a lot going on in our lives when we were having babies. I was pregnant with #3 when we owned our own restaurant and #4 shortly after we closed that restaurant. When my youngest was 5 months we moved to a differnt city away from our support system. Now that things have calmed down and my older two are older, parenting 4 seems easy. I even completed my bachelors degree in December while working full time also. If I was younger and richer, there would be a #5.
I only have three (preschoolers) right now, but they are all within 25 months of each other and my daughter who was adopted has attachment difficulties. I admit that it feels like a lot, especially as we’re rounding the corner to beginning homeschool for our oldest. But, I keep telling myself that a fourth really wouldn’t be *that* much more work!