When new friends find out that there are five kids in our family, one of the first things they say (after “How do you do it all?”) is “It must be great to have built-in babysitters!”
I usually just nod and smile, but the truth is this: Aside from a 15-minute window a few years ago, when I was not yet home from work and my husband had to rush our then-4-year-old daughter to the hospital after she swallowed a padlock, I have never asked my Big Kids to “babysit” their little siblings. Keep an eye on them in the next room while I’m cooking dinner? Sure. But alone at home while my husband and I go out? Nope. Never.
It’s not because I don’t trust them — I do, totally. It’s that I remember how much my younger brothers resented me for being their de-facto third parent when we were kids. And I don’t want any of my kids, step or bio, to feel that way toward their siblings. So I haven’t required that the big kids serve as babysitters or chauffeurs (two of them are driving now), haven’t sent them on last-minute errands to the grocery store or the dry cleaners, haven’t had them change diapers or make dinner for toddlers — though, when the Little Kids were still babies, the Bigs often thought it was fun to feed them a bottle.
Most parents I know look forward to the day when they can hand some of their more mundane chores over to an energetic teen. But I’m hesitant to do that, too. For one thing, our Big Kids aren’t with us all the time — which means that now that they’re teenagers, our time with them is even shorter and more precious, since they’re penciling us in around their BFFs and activities and extracurriculars and school-related projects. For another, there’s a different kind of resentment that stepparents often feel they have to watch out for. You can call it ESAS — Evil Stepparent Avoidance Syndrome. It’s our fear of accidentally living up to an unfair stereotype, and it makes us second-guess things sometimes, especially things we’re asking our stepkids to do.
So, instead, I limit my requests to help with household chores. Now that they’re teens, they often unload and reload the dishwasher before I can even ask, or clear the table without prompting, or stuff a load of laundry into the washer without waiting for me to do it — all things that make my life easier without sparking resentment from anyone. But it does make me wonder what other parents with four or more kids do when it comes to having their bigs help out at home.
Do you ask your older kids to help out with their younger siblings? Or do you give them small responsibilities that don’t involve anyone else?
{About Lylah, our Career+Passions blogger: She’s a mom of 5 (3 by marriage, 2 from scratch) and blogs at Write Edit Repeat. You can find her on twitter @WriteEditRepeat}
{photo via}
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
My kids aret old enough yet, but I am counting down the days. I grew up in a family of six and us older children babysat regularly. But I think there is a line between helping out the family and having the child parent for you. That line will probably look different in different families.
I don’t/won’t ask my oldest to officially babysit for my other kids b/c I was once the oldest — and fully understand that it’s about 6 million times easier to care for any other kids in the world. Asking the oldest to be in charge of the younger kids sets up all kinds of sibling rivalry and battles for control. (Full disclosure: It might work if you have a big gap in ages. But my kids are 14, 11, 8 and 6).
As my kids get oldest, they do take on additional responsibilities, though. My 14 -yr-old does his own laundry; my 6 yr. old does not.
That was my experience too, as the oldest. “You’re not the boss of me!” was a phrase heard quite often in my parents’ house. My brothers and I are close in age, so that probably made things much harder, too…
I was dying to take over babysitting when I was almost old enough, because our babysitter was horrible and my parents kept having her just to be legal. I was doing all the work already, so it was a relief when I was old enough. There are four of us, and the older three are close enough in age and good enough friends that we all helped each other out, and everything went smoothly with that. If we hadn’t all worked together, I could’ve have “babysat”. It just wouldn’t have worked.
Around the time I got my license, my mom took a job (for the first time since before I was born) two days a week. This meant I was in charge of getting my siblings to school, and ferrying them around. It worked very nicely for me, because I probably would have done so anyway, AND my parents paid my gas and insurance through high school because I was doing so much to help them. Again, we were close enough in age that we all helped each other, and I have fond memories of #3 (four years younger than me) calming me down when things weren’t going so smoothly a few mornings (particularly with a printer malfuction right before a school assignment was due). I really enjoyed those morning school runs and look back fondly.
It wasn’t about “parenting” each other, but doing what we were supposed to do anyway.
I don’t see the logic in that thinking at all. I have two teens now. They each have household chores to do (as do the two younger ones) but they also are asked to look after the little kids if I need to go out/run an errand. Why wouldn’t they? Why can’t they have this responsibility? If the kids can’t get along then you have a separate issue to deal with. Make it a priority to work out that sibling relationship. If your teens are complaining about helping occasionally with the younger kids then that is also a separate issue. Who would be a better caregiver (other than another close relative, perhaps)? A parent should never take advantage of the teen (don’t ask them to babysit so you can go out for coffee or shop with friends) – but asking them to be there for younger siblings should be a natural family relationship. Obviously, you need to make a sound decision as to what age your teen is ready to actually be a responsible caregiver.
At this point ours are not old enough for babysitting (11,8,4,2,5mos) but I do have the big kids keep an eye on the little ones for me so I can get things done around the house. I expect all of them to help out in one form or another, after all we are all part of the family and everyone should pitch in to make things run smoothly. The older two can do laundry, dishes, and cook. All of them (except the baby) can unload the dishwasher, put away their own laundry, bring their hampers to the laundry room, sweep, set the table, feed the animals, vacuum, pick up the house, give the baby a bottle, etc.
My husband and I have discussed the future of babysitting when the big kids are old enough for that responsibility and have agreed that when we do we will pay the big kid for it. We see it as an above and beyond task that we would pay someone else for, and therefore it is only fair that we pay our big kid.
mine are far too young for too much resopnsibility (5, 2, 2, 1), but i have asked my 5 year old to take his brothers to the bathroom (they are potty training) if i’m in the middle of cooking dinner or feeding the baby.
the boys (5, 2, 2) are responsible for cleaning up their rooms, picking up toys, putting shoes/gloves/jackets/backpacks away in their cubbies, putting dirty clothes in the hamper, and clearing their meal plates & cups from the table. they sometimes help me sort laundry, too, but that’s ‘fun’ for them, not a responsibility!
We absolutely expect the older kids to help with the little ones. We don’t even have to force them, it’s always been that way so they just assume that is how it is and help.
Even when my older 3 were little I expected the oldest to help the youngest. She was 4 1/2 and the youngest was 2 but had fine motor issues so the 4yo would help her with the finer parts of dressing, helped brush her hair, stuff like that. She was almost 6 when #4 was born and she would feed the baby if I was cooking dinner and even then they kept an eye on the baby while I was in another room. I even got a few naps in there like that with my 4 and 5 year olds keeping an eye on the baby.
Nothing ever happened. When #5 came along they were 10, 8 1/2, 7 1/2 and 4 and were great help. They all took turns feeding the baby, watching him and the older 3 changed diapers (mostly after he was about 4 months, they were afraid before then). Around the time he was 5 months they started offering to “babysit” in the morning so I could sleep in. On weekends I would get him out of his crib, change him and make him a bottle then go back to bed. The kids did the rest. After awhile they learned to make the bottles and would change him.
He’s 18 months old and they still come in every morning and grab him and watch him until I get up. They tell me to go back to sleep.
We haven’t had them actually babysit the toddler yet but the older 4 are perfectly capable of staying home alone. They are currently 11 1/2, 10, 9 and almost 6. The older 3 can stay home all by themselves but usually they are all in a group. Me and hubby went out for my birthday back in December and the 4 stayed home (we took the baby with us). It was nice and the kids had cleaned up the house when we got back.
The house is a group responsibility in our house and the kids are part of the family. I’m not their servant and they just know they have to help out. They’ve rarely ever complained. Heck, my son even helped potty train his little sister. they were 6 and 2 at the time. I’m sure he’ll help with his little brother. Kids thrive on responsibility.
I absolutely agree with @Jen Connelly! We have 5 kids, 4, 9, 13, 15 and 19. It is part of the responsibilities of the older kids to watch the younger kids occasionally. This doesn’t happen often, but Mom and Dad need time to themselves and when we get it, the family is a much tighter unit.
Great points, ladies! Any stepmoms want to weigh in? Do you ask your stepkids to help around the house or babysit their younger siblings?
I have four kids ages 12, 7.5, 4 and 1.5. My oldest is a great help with the baby (and the 4 yo). While she doesn’t yet “babysit” she is great at getting the baby dressed, getting him snacks and entertaining him while I’m doing something else.
She is going to be getting CPR certified in a few weeks and then she will have the option to babysit. We have agreed that we will pay her just as we would pay any other babysitter. She is very excited because she wants to earn money for a few upcoming youth group activities.
All of our children have household chores that they are responsible. Even the baby takes the dirty napkins from dinner into the laundry room!
I don’t expect my olders to parent their siblings, but I do expect them to be contributing parts of the family and sometimes their contribution is watching over their siblings.
My oldest is only 11, so I do not ask him to babysit the younger kids yet- because he isn’t really ready for that responsibility. But there are many times that I will ask one of the older kids to help me out with one of the younger kids…. ties shoes, find a missing hat or glove, even read to them at night while I am readying with someone else.
That begin said…. I am not a fan of what many super-sized families (12+ kids) do when they “buddy up” an older kid with a younger kid to get them dressed each day, and help to feed them, etc. To me- that is asking the older child to fill in the for the role of a parent. And for me- that’s not cool.
Ooh, boy. Can o’ worms!
Why is it exclusively the role of the parent to dress little kids? It’s not difficult, it can happen in a minute or two, and they usually have fun doing it. My girls love picking out “outfits” for the little dudes to wear. This harms them in some way? I’m abandoning some sacredly mother task? I buy, wash, store, and tend to the clothes and the nutrition and cleaning of the little bodies inside. I hardly think having big kids help little kids pull shirts over their heads and pants on their legs in the morning to get to school on time is “not cool.” Additionally, the older kids pour milk and set the table for dinner. They might even spoon feed a baby while I’m shredding chicken.
While they aren’t officially paired, a la The Duggers, there are situations where pairs develop naturally. For example, my 3yo son adores when my 13yo reads to him at night. He does funny voices and they are best buddies at bed time. I encourage this, not worrying that I’m shirking, once again. I don’t think my bond is threatened or I’m putting too much responsibility on my older boy. Believe me, a 13yo boy will tell you if they don’t want to do something.
Bonding with my teens can easily happen while we fold laundry side by side, prep dinner together, do dishes together, yard work.
“Chore” is not a dirty word and neither is babysitting.
It is difficult finding people who can and will babysit/help with 8 children. In the past, we’ve relied only on family members because they understand our situation and they know the kids and don’t charge us the big bucks. It’s free! But it doesn’t happen often so my husband and I have gone as long as 14 months without a date night out (when the kids were younger).
Our kids know our kids, almost as well as we know them. Our oldest daughter is in high school and is incredibly responsible and beloved by the little ones. We’ve never left her alone with everyone at once, but we have asked her to babysit just the little ones or hang out with a few older kids while we run errands.
She gets special privileges the other kids don’t. Part of it is because of her age and part of it is because of the work she does around our house. She isn’t some Cinderella. All the kids have age-appropriate chores with lots of free play time and time to just be lazy in front of the TV.
Gretchen,
I agree completely with everything you wrote. Our older children are expected to help with household jobs and they do babysit when needed. The trick is to get when I need them on the calendar before they accept other babysitting jobs. They don’t really mind. They know that they have far more privileges than their younger brothers and sisters, but they have responsibilities as well. Don’t want the responsibilities? You don’t get the privileges, either.
I don’t think we do our children any favors by making them think that life will be handed to them on a platter. Nor do I think we help by painting work as something negative. There is great satisfaction in a job well done, but you have to work to gain the satisfaction. I also want my children to know what it takes to run a house and care for children…. and how to do it. The only way to do this is practice.
When I was expecting numbers 8 and 9, there were many things I just couldn’t physically do. Grocery shopping and cooking became two of these things. My oldest daughter took over the grocery shopping duties during those months. I gave her the list and money and she hitched a ride with a friend of mine when she went to do her own shopping. Instead of feeling put upon and overworked, my daughter was quite proud of the fact that she could shop for her family and that she could help when needed. This was also my children’s view of preparing dinner as well. My husband helped as he could, but his work schedule made it difficult to come home in time to fix dinner. My three oldest children did the lion’s share of the work, with younger siblings helping as able. They not only learned some excellent skills, but they gained a sense of accomplishment at doing things many of their friends had no clue how to do.
All of my children are expected to help around the house. I’m not their maid. We get a lot done in a short amount of time because everyone is helping. And because I don’t over schedule my children in other ways, they all still have plenty of free time to do what ever they like.
I grew up the oldest of 11. I helped ALOT with my younger siblings. I will not be repeating that on my kids. I have no problem with kids co-operating and helping each other out, but kids being responsible for each other is not OK. I will ask my children to help with family cleaning up time, and they are usually excited to work along side me. But I consider myself the parent, so it is my job (and my partners job) to take care of my home and my children, and I will not be farming out my responsibilities.
My kids are still young – 7, 5, 3, 1. Everyone’s expected to help out in some manner…. but no big responsibilities like baby sitting yet.
What I find fascinating is how much our own experiences as children play into how we want to do things with our own. As the “baby” of a large family, my views are quite different than my older siblings. I also find it interesting that my older siblings waited longer and had had fewer children … whereas I started younger and had more.
My older kids help out here and there, but since they are all so close in age (5, 4, 2, and not quite 1) I don’t think that they’ll ever be able to babysit. But I do count on my oldest to keep a ‘quick’ eye on his baby brother when I have to pee!
Lylah- I think given your unique situation (older step kids who aren’t around much), you are doing just the right thing. I think your priority to avoid resentment, while still asking for some help (eg unload the dishwasehr) is spot on. What a difficult dance being a Step mother is.
Rebecca x
My mother had my and my older sister babysit our younger sibs all the time. And it wasn’t that bad at all. People underestimate teens or treat us like a neighbor. We’re kids. Give us responsibility. We not like it at first, but we will be grateful for it in the future. We learned that being a parent is not easy when if it just while mom and dad are out on date. We learned to respect each all as brothers and sisters. Remember even as a teenager. We are still kids. We still live under your house and obey your rules. If you want us to go do last minute run to the store for milk, go ahead. Just pay a little gas money if it our own car. (notice, our own car. As in we pay for it, not out parents. Then that car is our parents. ) These things teach the reality of the real world. I am now married, and through my mom telling and and giving me lots of responsibility and rules, I adapted much better on my own in society. I pay my own bills, I signed up for college on my own. I do my own taxes. I run to the store when I need. and now and then I still do things for my parents, because I don;t mind. Giving your kids rules and things to do more then just chores gives them a taste of the real world of being an adult. Doing a load of dishes is fine, but takes a lot more then a load of dishes and putting your clothes away to make it out in the real world.
It’s really interesting to read others’ points of view on this. I am the second oldest, and my older sister and I always WANTED to take care of the younger kids and felt our parents didn’t let us do enough. I’m not really sure of what would have happened if we hadn’t. Everybody had age-appropriate responsibilities so I never felt like I was being taken advantage of. I think it does help if the kids are spread out more. That worked for our family, but I really think it depends each individual family.
Our kids all help in our family of 7 children. Each has a job like laundry, dishes, or picking up a room. My oldest 2, 14 and 12, share babysitting so my husband and I can go out on a date. We are training our children first to serve one another, and second that work is part of this world. I can’t and won’t do all the work that is required in our house. I wouldn’t have time to homeschool, or anything else for that matter, if I did all the work a mom of 1 or 2 does. There’s too much laundry and too many messes. My kids are happy and we are all learning how to take care of our house better. My oldest daughter even cooks breakfast once in a while of her own free will!!! How can we train our kids to be able to take care of their family someday if they don’t do it when they are younger?