Currently gracing the latest cover of Time Magazine is the controversial article Why Mom Liked You Best. According to author Jeffrey Kluger, all parents have a favorite, and science is to blame. Simple as that, right?
Except, no.
Of course I am sure that many parents have a favorite child- whether they keep it a secret or not. But to make a sweeping statement that all parents play favorites and that this due to a basic scientific fact that goes way back since humans have been having multiple children because parents “tilt in favor of their biggest, healthiest offspring, since those kids will be more reproductively successful and get more of the family’s genes into the next generation” is absolutely ridiculous. Maybe that applies to the cavemen, but not today.
At least in the case of my own “offspring” there is no way to really compare because they aren’t the same. On any given day I might have a special connection with one kid and the next with another. Each age and stage of life has me as the mom taking a contrasting approach to whatever is best for them in that moment. No one child is better than the other because they each have their own strengths and weaknesses. They have very unique emotional and even physical needs.
Over the years I’ve definitely seen that ebb and flow of mother-child relationship and how it’s changed from baby to tween. Almost like seasons I’ve felt closer or needed more by one than the other, but it’s not about favor- actually that is where the scientific instinct kicks in. Not out of survival of the fittest, but from a healthy dose of independence and growing up, and being their mother.
“We treat them differently because they ARE different. Navigating that reality is the key to being a parent,” Lisa Belkin writes in her response to the Time cover story at the New York Times Motherlode blog, Do ALL Parents Love One Child More?
I wholeheartedly agree.
I also couldn’t not include this clip of my long-time friend Adam Kellogg (one of six children) from the Listen To Your Mother Valparaiso performance, as he reads an original piece about how all of his siblings each think they are Mom’s Favorite. I only hope that my kids feel the same about me.
So do you play favorites?
{About Stephanie, our Family+Parenting Blogger: She’s mom to four and journals about life at Adventures In Babywearing and on twitter as babysteph}
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t have favorite, but I agree at certain times there may be 1 that I connect with better. But like you state, they are all different with extremely different personalities! I wouldn’t want it any other way. I can only hope that as they get older, they ALL think that they were my favorite!
These articles they run with scientific facts about dads, moms, middle children etc drive me nuts. Yes, they can do studies and reach conclusions and yes, we can get backed into a corner hyperventilating them as we believe them to be true, but our stories are not yet written.
We are living, adjusting and experiencing every moment.
Thank you for this!
I’ve thought a lot about this — sadly, in a pretty morbid way — like if we were in a sinking boat and I was trying to save all my children. There is no way I could ever choose.
I realize that this is not necessarily what the author is saying, but for me, it’s a similar concept. I absolutely do not LOVE any of my children any more (or less) than another.
I do, however, like their personalities at certain ages more or less. That doesn’t mean I treat them differently. It just means that sometimes certain ones are easier to deal with or more enjoyable than others.
They’re all different. All wonderful. And all lovable. Equally.
It would be boring if all kids were alike. Great post!
Thank you for this. I’m an only child and welcomed my second baby to our family in February. I’ve had some panicky moments worrying that the baby is my “favorite”. I’ve come to the realization that a baby, whose primary function at 7 months old is to smile, giggle, sleep, and occasionally cry, is usually much easier to parent than an energetic 3.5 year old. Seeing this has helped me make sure that the 3.5 year old doesn’t feel like the baby is the favorite, since our interaction is so much different because of their ages.
I’ve thought about this a lot. I have a favorite kid artist and a favorite kid jokester. I have a favorite kid writer and a favorite kid cook. I’m careful to not let them know who my favorites are, lest any of them give up on art or cooking or picking up the dog poop (yep, I have a favorite dog-poop-picker-upper because he doesn’t miss any).
But I don’t have a ~favorite kid~. I have favorite ages/stages, which is different.
I’m so happy to see this. I could not agree more with you! I read the TIME story and just kept thinking “No, I do not have a favorite.” I would read some more, pause, carefully ponder whether the author was right that I held a secret favorite, and each time came up with a solid NO. Ages, stages, special connections at different times, but no favorites.
Seems we’re all on the same wavelength. I see it as an intersection of favorite age matched with an activity. For a specific activity, I could tell you which child (mainly because they are a certain age) I prefer to do that activity with. These preferences change over time as the kids grow and change. I do not have an overall favorite and love all of my children equally. For general time spent together, I enjoy it with all of them.
I loved that piece on Listen to Your Mother – because any of my sisters or I could have written the same thing
I hope my kids can write it about me.
No, I don’t have a favorite. There are things about each kid that make me adore them in their own special way.
Janelle
GraceTags
Well, my ‘favorite’ child is the one that’s most predictable, easy tempered, and a clear communicator. I neither love or like him more than the other three but I can’t help feeling he is my fav.
I totally agree, I don’t have an all-around favorite child, but there are days when I totally have connections with certain children and the relationship with others is just OFF. I could never chose between them though….they are all so special!
I don’t have a favorite, but a few weeks ago I overheard my four arguing with each other over who was my favorite. It was great as they were each convinced it was them. They had pretty convincing arguments:-) and really seemed to know what I enjoy about each of them. In the end they decided that Daddy was my favorite because I share a room with him:-)
I love this!
I admit that I prefer to spend time with one over the other at certain times – it just depends on how old they are, what irritating phase they are in currently, do they want to spend time with me at all etc… but I do not have a favourite, nor do I love one more.
You know, I have been thinking about this lately. My daughter is 14 months and she has a much more quiet disposition than my super-expressive 2.5 year old son. I don’t worry so much about playing favorites, but I do worry about feeling less bonded to her. I guess my tendency is to compare how everything happened with my son and it’s simply different because he had my undivided attention. Not exactly sure, but hoping that I’m not causing untold damage. Ha!
I was *not* the favorite growing up–as whiny as that sounds it is true and both my aunt and grandma agree that my mom favored my sister in virtually all ways–so I’ve read and thought a lot about this. My favorite book on the subject is The Favorite Child by Ellen Weber Libby. She writes about ways that it is healthy to have “favorites,” and that’s all the ways that you’re talking about, with faves shifting day to day and season to season as kids grow and change and go through phases. She also writes a lot about how being the one clear favorite is not really great for kids (who then become adults) and points out patterns in behavior… I can now often identify if a man was his mother’s favorite (as many politicians are) and a woman who was her father’s favorite. It’s pretty interesting, actually!
I also find the Time article theory interesting because 1) I don’t really think it’s true in this day and age, with the exception of some fathers whose favorites are their sports-playing boys, and 2) many of the favorites I know are actually the weakest/most sick child in the family. My MIL’s immediate family is a disaster because her brother, who was always sick growing up, is SUCH the clear favorite–to this day!–of their mother. There’s so much tension and resentment between the three siblings–all in their mid-60′s! Family dynamics are fascinating to me.
As a mother of 4 I DO have a favorite-it’s definitely the one sitting next to me at the time. I tell all of my kids in private that they are my favorite and ask them not to tell the others. One day in the minivan I looked in the rear view mirror, winked and said, “you know that you are my favorite.”. They all winked or nodded their heads in agreement, all thinking I was talking to them! I only hope they argue about mom’s favorite whey they are adults!
I, too, read this article in the Time magazine and thought to myself, “Am I the odd on eout?” Because I truly do not feel like I have a favorite (4 boys in our house.) They for sure can each be a favorite at different times but there is not one single one that stands out as a favorite. I was saddened by this article and I too hope that each of my children think that they are the favorites.
Thanks for helping not to feel like I am alone in this.
Well, my kids were adopted so neither of them are carrying my genes anywhere. Wonder what “science” can say about that?
My partner and I were discussing this the other day, because the fact is, dig as deeply as we may, neither of us can find a trace of “favorite” between our two girls. Neither can we imagine either of them as only children, but only as each others’ sisters.
I don’t judge people who do have a favorite–I think it is pretty common–but we just happen not to.
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