Maybe it’s because “I don’t know how she does it” just hit theaters, but in the past few days no fewer than five people have asked me how I manage to juggle a full-time career and my family.
In the movie, Sarah Jessica Parker plays a harried, breadwinning working mom who is trying—and failing—to have it all. My life is nothing like that; I’m neither as posh nor as polished as Ms. SJP, for one thing, and I certainly can’t afford to employ a battalion of babysitters, as she does in real life. Instead, I have a bag full of tricks to get me through my days. So, when people ask me how I juggle my big, blended family and my more-than-full-time job, these are my answers:
It’s amazing what you can do if you don’t know you can’t do it. That’s pretty much my mantra. It’s “The Little Engine that Could,” writ large: If don’t think you can’t, then you probably can—and will.
You do what you have to do. I’m the breadwinner for our family, so not working outside of the home (or cutting back my hours) simply isn’t an option for me (or so my mortgage company insists). But the idea of sucking it up and getting it done isn’t exclusive to breadwinning moms, not by a long shot. Carting four kids to karate class because you don’t have a sitter, your spouse is away, and it doesn’t seem right to inflict your squawking bundle of 20-month-old joy upon anyone else, including his 14-year-old sister, is another great example of this. You do it because it’s what you have to do.
I don’t do it alone. My husband was a dad when I met him, so I’ve never known him as anything other than a hands-on parent. During the times when he’s buried under a pile of work (or away from home) I know I can get by because, when I’m the one who’s swamped or facing a mandatory business trip, he’ll be there. I also have a fabulous network of friends who are in the same boat as I am, albeit with fewer children. We look out for one another, and when one of us is approaching burnout, the others jump in to help.
You make time for the things you love to do. It seems like a trivialization to call your passion a “hobby,” but the truth is you make time for the things that are important to you, whether they pay the bills or not. They are the things that feed your soul, and after a day spent tending to other responsibilities, you need them. For me, that hobby is cooking, so when my Facebook friends tell me I’m crazy for canning tomatoes and making jam at 2 a.m., all I can say is that it doesn’t feel like a burden because it brings me joy.
Sometimes, I don’t do it all. At least, not well. I think that real work-life balance is a myth; it’s really more of a juggle, and for me, sometimes most of the balls I should have up in the air have fallen and rolled under the couch, where they’re making friends with the dust bunnies. After I’ve gotten the little kids in bed, some nights I need to choose sleep over a freelance assignment. Some nights, I pour a glass of wine, draw a hot bath, lock the door and soak myself instead of the dinner dishes. I do a load of clothes nearly every day, but let the clean laundry accumulate in my bedroom until my 4-year-old scales the pile for fun because it’s taller than he is. I didn’t even bother to vacuum the family room before my 6-year-old’s playdate this weekend, because I knew that the rug would look just as dirty when the kids are done playing, and because 6-year-olds just don’t care about stuff like that. I’ve taped the hems of my pants into place, at my desk, before a big meeting, because I don’t have time to sew them properly. My kids have eaten mac n’ cheese from a box more times than I can count.
I have to wonder: My husband has the same five kids that I do. Where’s the movie about the breadwinning dad who is struggling with having to work and be a good parent at the same time? Because that’s the movie I’d make time to see.
Moms and dads of many, how do you do it?
{About Lylah, our Career+Passions blogger: She’s a mom of 5 (3 by marriage, 2 from scratch) and blogs at Write Edit Repeat. You can find her on twitter @WriteEditRepeat}
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
I think I feel the most guilty about my lack of interest in housework. With four kids, 3 of them still quite young, it just seems like such a monumental waste of good time to scour, scrub and clean when in 15 minutes or less, it will look exactly like it did before I cleaned it. Thank you so much for letting me know I’m not the only one with dust bunnies under the couch (and bed, behind the fridge …).
Oh, Barbara, you are absolutely not the only one!!! My dust bunnies are actually dust rhinos…
I don’t even qualify for this site by half (feeling like a slacker!) but great post. We can all find a way to make it work if we’re flexible and creative and stop caring what other people think. Mac & Cheese from a box? Holy crap – that means I actually cooked!
Thank you for weighing in, Selfish Mom! I think the key—and the hard part—is to stop worrying about what we “should” be able to do and focus on what we actually can do.
One day at a time, just like every other person. I really try to relate to people and relate to their experience, regardless of family size. It seems to really open them up to talking about this crazy life without feeling overwhelmed.
That’s a great point about trying to relate to people and their experiences, even if they’re not exactly the same as yours…
I’m so grateful for this site (and for Barbara’s comment)! It’s exactly how I feel, and I’m always wondering when my motivation to have everything clean and in place will return!! I have 4 children ages 9 to 19 months and so far we’re managing to have them keep the bedrooms orderly, at least. At this stage, “cleaning” is more “picking up” and you probably know I mean “PICKING UP” with the amount of stuff on the floor!!
This site is such an encouragement to know others are out there!! Have a wonderful day with your families!!
So glad you found us, Leah!
I don’t! I’ve lowered my standards and we ask make sacrifices to keep our knives as simple as possible.
Damn auto correct!
Sometimes the best way to do it is to not do it!
My pat answer is: it’s like anything else in life, you just do it. You breathe in and out, put one foot in front of the other, and rest assured that whatever didn’t get done today will be right there waiting in the morning. I’ve not found a secret vortex to snag a few extra hours a day; I’ve learned to prioritize out of necessity. Bottom line, if I’m going to err, I try to err on the side that provides the most genuine nurturing for my family-that way, I can sleep at night in peace.
Nicole, I think that’s the best bottom line: erring on the side that’s best for your family!
My favorite line in this post is the last line. It’s something I have asked myself many times. Why don’t (most) dads feel they have to juggle work and life and kids and chores? Why am I constantly berating myself for not being good enough at work or at home, while my husband cheerfully goes off to work each day, comes home at 8pm, eats his dinner and goes to sleep? Lots of questions but no answers on that one.
I wonder if part of it has to do with our society’s expectations? In spite of everything, expectations about gender roles haven’t changed all that much. Every time we highlight The First Woman To Do XYZ, it shows that it’s not the norm…
I completely agree with “You do what you have to” -really no different than everyone else (it just sometimes takes a little longer to get it done when you have more kiddies running around!). I’m keeping my fingers crossed that as my kids get older (and hopefully, more responsible), I’ll just have more hands to *help* me get it done! Lol!
Great post, fabulous site!
Thank you, Suzanne! Glad you liked the post!
Whenever I’m asked that I immediately include my husband in the question to answer how WE do it. We are both the parents to our four kids and it’s a joint responsibility. We both take care of them a good chunk of each day and we both have careers — mine outside the home, his at home. That is the main factor in us being a happy, healthy family who has no trouble “doing it”. The little blip at the top of that poster irks me “If it were easy, men would do it too”. What’s that supposed to imply? Aren’t most fathers “doing it” too?
I agree with all of your answers in the post – all true for us as well. You just DO it! It helps that we both enjoy babies, toddlers, and kids. We haven’t hit the teen years yet… so not sure how it will be then, but so far, we’ve enjoyed every age. I think having four kids gives you perspective — you know that they don’t have night feedings, teething, tantrums, diapers forever. So as I go through each stage with my little ones I focus on the good parts and know that soon enough they will be grown past the hard parts.
This movie has initiated a lot of articles / blogs / comments on the topic of working mothers. It’s kind of depresses me to read it because people are still so judgmental on both sides. In real life, people are supportive of each other’s decisions – but the anonymity of the internet brings out such harshness. Makes me wonder what people around me really think.
I want to clarify – no harshness here on this site, but at others I frequent.
Thank you for your comment, SusanP! I totally agree with you….
yes we do!
Juggling that is.
and about the Dads…my husband juggles too. In fact he gets down right pissy if anyone suggests he is “stuck” babysitting when he is juggling some of the home/career/family responsibilities…just one of the many things I love about him…which I remind myself of when I want to smother him when his snoring is keeping me awake.
I think that asking a dad if he’s “babysitting” is one of the biggest insults fathers face. It’s not babysitting, it’s parenting.
My answer is always “not well” when people ask how I do it, and they ask a lot. Usually, after they said something about having my hands full. I think I should change the response to “not perfectly”. I also have a hands on husband and take 4 kids to the soccer practice at a time. I signed up for this job and you can bet I give it my all. Or I will tomorrow, or the next time I get more than 4 hours of sleep.
I think “not perfectly” is a great response.
I get asked this a lot, and so does my husband. There’s no better answer than in a house of six, you just do what you have to do. I definitely agree that “juggle” describes what we do much better than balance! Here, I ‘ m the working parent, I am a girl scout leader and school coordinator, I am taking classes on line and I care for my 4 kids and the house that I’m trying to raise them in; my husband attends school full time, is the assistant den leader and Cubmaster for our son’s Cub scout troop, and the coach for our daughter’s soccer team along with pitching in at home as much as he possibly can. We just do it. Our volunteer positions, we took to make the most of our child’s experience in the programs.
My kitchen right now is a mess, there’s a pile of laundry to be folded and groceries to be put away, but our children won’t remember that, they’ll remember our hands on involvement in their lives.
Oh, and lastly, part of my response when asked how I do it is that I could never do it alone. My husband is awesome, and I’m lucky to have all the grandparents and my sister close by and always willing to help.
You’re right Sarah… my kids think our laundry situation is totally normal. But the hands-on stuff? That lasts.
5 kids – I make sure they learn (quickly) how to entertain themselves. I have friends that run their kids to the pool, to the mall, to the movies… um, no. Play a game, read a book, have some quiet time, play together — that’s what keeps me free to do the chores/things that need doing in the afternoons.
I think that a little boredom is good for kids. How else will they figure out how to learn/explore on their own?
How do we do it? With a sense of humor. Actually, I started to post a response, but it just got too long. Here:
http://www.dignews.com/blog/monks-blog/how-do-we-do-it/
Great post, Daniel! Thank you for sharing it!
I get asked this question a lot. And I think about it a lot. We have four kids, ranging from 14 – 3 years old. We both work full time and are living in a country that is neither of our home countries, which means no family back up. I agree with whoever said that you do the best you can. I have someone come in and clean. My husband is in charge of laundry. I am able to work from home when someone is sick. But what I have learned in the past year is that I also need to find something else that gives me joy. I’m learning another language and try to read as much as I can, even if the only time I find is the ten minutes before bed. I need to give up on doing things perfectly all the time. And I need to appreciate the small things and every last moment of my life. It would be so easy to let the kids watch as much TV as they wanted to stare at various screens, just so I could have some quiet time. But now that we have a 14-year-old, we do take 2 hours once a week and go somewhere on our own. That helps.
I had a bad health scare about two years ago. It lasted nearly a year. The silver lining that came out of it was that I finally let go of my idea of how things “should” be, and instead really learned to appreciate every tiny good thing. Even bad days hold at least a little something good.
wow… I am starting to feel a little better that I have laundry in piles in the basement (each size gets their own clothes — I have three little boys wearing the same size so their pile is HUGE). I love having all my little ones running around, but sometimes I just want to change my name and move to tahiti!! LOL.
Thanks for posting!
Cindy
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